So much so, it halted any kind of positive productivity for the day?
I’m having that issue right now, and I’m entirely frustrated by it. Something completely beyond my control has me angry and disappointed, and it’s getting in the way of a productive day in the studio while my son takes an extra long nap.
My paintings deal so much with positive emotions and embracing life that I really struggle in the studio when I’m dealing with such negative emotions. I have to move past or rise above the situation and find a happier place to get in a creative mood again.
I know some people will tell me to use that emotional energy and paint something different, but that’s just not who I am. I paint to share the wonderful awesomeness that is life. Painting from a negative headspace would detract from this goal, especially when this world is already so full of negative things.
So, I will vent into my sketchbook (which is used more for journaling than sketching), and try again tomorrow.
I realized it was time when I was virtually unaffected by an Instagram post of a baby shower this morning. It was reinforced by something that hasn’t happened in awhile:
I wanted to paint.
My chilly basement studio was calling to me. With my husband at home to tend the cranky, in-the-middle-of-a-growth-spurt wee one, I wasn’t about to ignore it. So I descended the stairs, cranked the tunes, and got down to business.
I’ll admit, I didn’t get a whole lot of actual painting done. But just being down in the studio, being (somewhat) productive has lifted my spirits.
A new year brings with it a time of reflection on the past. 2012 was certainly a year of ups and downs.
Ups: My best friend married her best friend. My son has grown (and continues to grow) in leaps and bounds. My mother has gone through a successful chemotherapy protocol. My husband is starting to get his own business off the ground. I volunteered with the City of Fort Saskatchewan and showed off my artistic skills for a series of promotional videos. I completed a commission for my MLA for her local constituency office.
Downs: Not many, but one doozy. In late November I landed in the ER at the local hospital. I was almost 10 weeks pregnant at the time. Unfortunately, I lost my baby.
I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions since that day. There are times when I am praising God for the short time I had with my baby, that I am still healthy, and for the wide network of support He has given me. Other days are not so great, and I lean harder on Him and that support network. I have struggled artistically, not wanting to taint any works in progress with my sorrows, and not wanting to start any new works that would simply remind me of my struggles. I’ve been writing a lot, as a form of catharsis, until I feel ready to step into the studio again.
The new year is also a time to look forward to the upcoming year. A friend posted a fitting quote today on Instagram.
I find that I have hopes and make plans for the future, but I never get off my duff and do anything to achieve my goals. There are two solutions to this problem: Either stop making plans and having goals, or DO SOMETHING for goodness’ sake.
So, I’m doing something.
Though I haven’t produced anything in the studio since my miscarriage, I have been working on the business end of things. I finally have something close to a workable artist statement. I visited my favourite art store last week to pick up a few new tools for when I do get back into the swing of things.I’m gathering a list of galleries and shows to apply to.
When I finally find the time to breathe after putting all the Christmas decorations away and celebrating my son’s second birthday(!!!!), I’ll venture back into the studio and pick up a brush again. And I will live in the present, so I can have the future I want.